The 2012 bug season is here – and MurderTheBugs.Com - the world’s foremost insect forecasting authority is prepared to make some dire predictions that should be heeded by all:
Spiders – are expected to be more insidious than ever. Due to an unusually warm spring – crawling and scurrying abilities are rates predicted to exceed the norm – so the little brown and black monsters will be fast, hungry, and looking to lay eggs in and around the general area of your mouth, preferably while you sleep.
Stinkbugs – are on track to smell more like shit than ever before. A prolific early breeding season has left their scent glands swollen with putrid horrific odorous liquid, and according to our insider information they are more than prepared to “make it rain” on your home and property.
Hornets – have, through a perverse system of twisted inbreeding, managed to develop even more painful stingers and a markedly intensified bloodlust for swarming near your cheeseburger and/or the trash cans at the water park.
Houseflies – are predicted to transition even faster from rubbing their faces and bodies all over that hot dog turd in your driveway into doing the Dougie on the rim of your lemonade glass.
Mosquitoes – are back to break necks and cash checks. West Nile is in style this year and with apocalyptic swarming a foregone conclusion mosquitoes plan on making a fashion statement all over your face, back, neck, forearms, and candy ass.
So what is the solution? You know the drill! Go on the offense with a brutal bug zapper racket and detonate the enemy. Firing up the bug zapper just once a day keeps insect domination of the human race that much further away.